The saga of the Houston Texans has been well documented (and quite lamented). Right form the start, through the expansion draft, the Texans chose lineman Tony Boselli to be the first player in franchises’ history. I would give you his stats, but Mr. Boselli never played a single game for the Texans due to injury. Sweet. So how did the Texans manage to top this? By drafting David Carr as the first pick in their very first draft. Sigh… At least with Boselli, he didn’t cost you any games. The same cannot be said for Carr. In 2006, the Texans finished 28th in total offense. But hey, that is actually an improvement from a 30th place offensive finish in 2005. At least they had a 19th place finish in 2004 to get them over that 31st place showing in 2003. If nothing else, the Texans can say they were the penultimate offense in 2003. That at least makes it sound like they were good, right?
Would it be wrong of me to wish for the days when Jeff Bagwell’s jersey was a little less… cough, cough…“baggy?” (Not that I am implying anything). The Astros offense was not that great in 2006. They were ranked 25th in runs scored, 30th in batting average and total bases (Penultimate!!!). Not to mention the painful chore of watching Brad Ausmus and Adam Everett ground into double play after inning ending double play all season.
So you may ask: what does giving Carlos Lee $100 million do for your team offense? Answer: 20th in runs scored and 26th in team batting average! Hooray! Oh, and I am going to point out that the team directly behind the Astros in team batting average is the Pittsburgh Pirates. Yes, this is the same Pirates team that the Astros are currently 0-6 against this year, and who have made the pitchers Jonah Bayliss, Zach Duke, Paul Maholm, and Ian Snell look like the second comings of Sandy Koufax. In the six games played against the Pirates this year, the Astros have put up 14 runs. And in the last 2 game have left a staggering 31 men on base. Just to put it in perspective, Craig Biggio may be the best batter on this team right now. I am just gonna let you sit back and let that one soak in for a while.
Not to be outdone by their fellow Houstonians, the Rockets have decided to throw their hats into this prestigious ring (probably going to miss). Thus far, in their opening round playoff series against the Jazz, the Rockets have apparently given up on the idea of “field goal percentage” as an important goal. In Game 1, the Rockets blistered their way to 39% shooting from the floor. They followed that up with an impressive 36% performance in Game 2 (and 16% from 3-pt land). Then the Rockets stood up and proclaimed, “No! Indeed, we can shoot worse!” And they did in Game 3, going 32.8% in the game. Will the Rockets try to go all series without shooting over 40%? I don’t know for sure, but I bet they give it their damnedest.
But fear not Rockets fans, the team did set a few records in the midst of Game 3’s futility. The Rockets had a total of 4 players score on Thursday. FOUR! I could count that high on one hand, even if a freakin’ bear had bitten my thumb off! Team playoff record lows were set for points in a game (67), fewest field goals (21) and fewest points in a half (25). Again, to put this in perspective,
I leave you with one lasting image that really sums up this whole situation, I give you this photo… Words just cannot describe… My brain hurts.