Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Astros Starting Pitchers Vow More Complete Games

Astros starting pitchers held an impromptu press conference following tonight's 3-2 loss to the Pirates. The Astros are 0-2 as a result of 2 blown saves to begin the year. "It's the Pirates. The freaking Pirates!," exclaimed opening day pitcher Roy Oswalt, whose win was blown by Mitch Williams 2.0 (aka Brad Lidge). "They have a player named Xavier Nady, for God's sakes," continued a bewildered Oswalt. "I had a mule on my farm like Lidge once. Let's just say, I took him behind the barn and I shot him in the head." Roy actually did the "air quotes" around "shot him in the head" just before he confessed he never exactly got what sarcasm was.

The press conference was to announce to the National League that Astros starters will throw 160 complete games this year. "We just can't risk it any longer," said a dejected Jason Jennings. "I mean, I have myself on my fantasy team. How am I supposed to compete when I might be 2-2 through 15 starts? I spent 85% of my fantasy salary cap on me. The Mile High Mastodons have to compete!" Jennings had his win blown in the 8th inning of last night's game by Dan Wheeler.

"I have been watching this for two days now," said Wednesday's starter Woody Williams, "and I'd have to say I am concerned." Williams expressed his dismay after watching Wheeler blow a second win for the Astros by running to his locker to see how many years he signed on as an Astro. "I felt a lot better after I realized i was only in Houston for 2 years. That, and they are paying me $12.5 million dollars!!" Williams did reveal that he sleeps with his contract in his bed and each night Drayton McLane sneaks in and puts his pay check under his pillow. Apparently this is how payroll works for the Astros. Cost cutting for Carlos Lee apparently.

But not every Astros pitcher is upset by the failure of the bullpen. "Well, at first I was nervous being with the big league club. I mean, I am Rick White. Who the hell am I, right?" joked a relieved White. "The problem I am running into is that its only the 2nd game of the year and I am running out of ways to avoid eye contact with Brad Lidge. I've already used the reading a newspaper, faking a cell phone call and ducking into the nearest training room. I just tugs at your heart to look into his puppy dog eyes. He will look at you until you reassure him things are going to be okay or you give him a hug. I think I heard him crying in the shower last night. It makes it hard to focus. I already have enough trouble with people asking me for David Wells' autograph."

So the Astros starters are boycotting the bullpen. Thus far the starters are the only area of the team that are aware the REGULAR SEASON has started. "I didn't want to be the one to tell you this, but I think Chris Sampson is planning on beating up Craig Biggio and locking him in a closet during his starting days," confided White. Apparently Sampson got the idea from watching the movie "Rookie of the Year." "You know the scene where that guy from 'Home Alone' who plays for the Cubs gets stuck between the two doors of the hotel suite? Yeah, like that, but with a cage and Craig Biggio." White abruptly ended the interview when word spread through the clubhouse that Oswalt was pulling people in inner-tubes behind his tractor. It's going to be a long year....

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