Travesty!

With the NBA Playoffs going on, you would think that the Rookie of the Year Award would not be the most important thing on everyone's mind. You would be wrong. Hawks Coach Mike Woodson called the decision to give Kevin Durant the award a, "travesty and it's not right."

When asked whether he should be more focused on his playoff series with the Boston Celtics, Woodson deferred the question to special assistant Jim Mora, who said, "Playoffs? Don't talk to me about Playoffs. I'm worried about the Rookie of the Year Award."

Woodson then summed up his argument by pointing out that Horford averaged 10.1 points per game and 9.7 rebounds per game while fighting for minutes with perennial all-stars Zaza Pachulia and Sheldon Williams. He also noted that unlike Durant's Sonics, the Hawks were in the playoffs. "Anytime a team can make the playoffs with a losing record, it means one of two things. Either your entire Conference is awful, or you have the rookie of the year on your team. I think it's obvious in this case, that it's the latter of the two."

Woodson says he looks forward to a quick and painless exit from the Playoffs in Game 6 so he can focus his attention on lobbying the NBA Offices and Commissioner David Stern for a recount.

Mike Leach Believes Texas Game Fixed, Moon Landing Staged

Texas Tech head coach, and amateur conspiracy theorist, Mike Leach set out in his post-game press conference to disprove several misconceived notions plaguing the American public. One being that Texas is better than Tech in football. The other being that man has, indeed, never walked on the moon. In his relatively short tenure will the Red Raiders, Leach has already taken it upon himself to debunk several longstanding American conspiracies.

Who can forget his post game press conference after Tech's 2002 victory over Texas A&M when Leach presented his own evidence to prove the existence of a grassy knoll gunman, which he dubbed the "Zebbie Film."

"I mean, once I was was able to isolate the frames from the amateur video I shot, I was able to see Zebbie clearly poised for an attack from the famous knoll," Leach explained. "Honestly, It was the best recruiting video i have had in a while. I mean my offense is predicated on a guy who is pin-point accurate and can hit a receiver crossing the field. I mean Kennedy's motorcade was nothing more than a drag route from our slot receiver."

With such groundbreaking revelations under his belt, Leach confidently turned to the two topics that have been plaguing him for years. He started off his Saturday night presser, turning to the topic of just how Texas was able to beat Texas Tech 59- 43. In response to a question from a reporter, Leach exclaimed,"What do you mean we should have just not given up 59 points on defense and we might have had a shot at winning! It is CLEAR that we would have won, but for the residence of one of the referees on the crew."

When faced with the news that his team had given up 551 yards of offense and 24 fourth quarter points, Leach quickly reverted back to his fall back pirate persona which he seems to use to field all questions dealing with his porous defenses. "Aaaar, Maties! The plank ye shall walk if ye thinks me defense is not as salty as as a lily-livered land lubber after a fortnight on the Caspian Sea!" Mutters of "Oh sweet Lord, here he goes again" could heard from several of the reporters in the room, as they were forced to dawn their eye-patches, since Leach insisted on only fielding questions from those "true to the pirate's creed."

Leach decided to wrap up his press conference with a lecture on how unlikely it was that the USA ever sent a man to walk on the moon. Always fond of charts and Ven-diagrams, Leach presented no less than 45 exhibits proving that Neil Armstrong walking on the moon was nothing more than the abominable snow man wearing a space suit stolen from the aliens at Area 51. " I don't know why you people can't just see that Big foot was able to shoot this film with borrowed equipment from the CIA in a storage room in the White House where Kennedy kept Marylin Monroe? I just don't know how to draw this up any clearer," a frustrated Leach implored. "I mean, if I can establish an offense that consistently puts up 40-50 points a game and still have never had a quality season, you'd think you would just take my word for all of this."

Next week, Texas Tech faces their next challenge as they face the Oklahoma Sooners, while Mike Leach faces his next challenge of proving that the Loch Ness Monster is nothing more than Elvis in a fish suit.

Four Months Later, Aggies Post 10 Win Season

After the team dogpiles had cleared and the goal posts had been torn down, Texas A&M coach, Dennis Franchione was all smiles in the team locker room. "You just can't say enough about the hearts of these young Ags," Fran beamed. "When most people tried to convince us the season was over, they pushed on and pulled out one more victory."

The Aggies posted their 10th win this weekend during the annual "Maroon & White" inter-squad match up, held at the conclusion of spring drills. "It was the hardest game we've played all year," said starting quarterback Stephen McGee. "I mean, fans have been telling us we are the greatest team of all time after we beat those sips in Austin. So when we played against each other, we were honestly worried that the amount of awesomeness on the field would cause some sort of rip in the space-time continuum."


Obviously, this is a great step forward for an Aggie team that was embarrassed 45-10 by Cal in their Holiday Bowl appearance. "Of course we were disappointed in our game against Cal," said running back Michael Goodson. "But we weren't gonna let it get us down, 'cause we new we had four months to prepare to play ourselves this weekend and get that loss out of our minds."
With the win A&M expects to move into the top 25 in the final regular season rankings. "Its a big recruiting tool. We can show recruits that we can come into our own place, for and against ourselves, with and without the fans, over come the hostile crowd and use the home field advantage, and battle for a hard earned win and loss," explained Coach Fran.

The Aggie Athletic Department has already sent out new voting ballots to all AP writers and NCAA coaches so they can amend their final rankings based on this weekend's performance. "We know some may not look at this as official," said Athletic Director Bill Byrne as he sprinkled maroon glitter into the envelopes. "But these rankings are for our kids and our fans. If a new poll comes out and we are actually ranked, hell, what Aggie is going to question it? There just gonna be too busy whoopin' up in the faces of all those t-sips who keep throwing national championships down our throat. Look, if the only way we can be a viable football program is by making up wins and conducting our own polls, then by God, that's just what we're gonna have to do."

Texas A&M has also petitioned the Big 12 to host a replacement Big 12 championship game in light of the improved conference record (They did play a Big 12 South team... technically). But when asked why this weekend did not count as a loss, Franchione became suddenly became very defensive. "Look here, Mr. Reporter," Fran threatened. "We had to come up with some very complicated graphs and ven diagrams to explain to our players and fans as to why this does not also count as a loss. As far as we know, they bought it. We think it's because we used maroon lettering and numbers, so we would have more credibility." As a parting comment, Franchione wanted to put the college world on notice that A&M was about to start breaking some big records. "We've already decided that, next year, we are going to begin to factor student intramural games into our win total. Hey BCS, just try and keep a 340 win team out of the championship game!"

Astros Starting Pitchers Vow More Complete Games

Astros starting pitchers held an impromptu press conference following tonight's 3-2 loss to the Pirates. The Astros are 0-2 as a result of 2 blown saves to begin the year. "It's the Pirates. The freaking Pirates!," exclaimed opening day pitcher Roy Oswalt, whose win was blown by Mitch Williams 2.0 (aka Brad Lidge). "They have a player named Xavier Nady, for God's sakes," continued a bewildered Oswalt. "I had a mule on my farm like Lidge once. Let's just say, I took him behind the barn and I shot him in the head." Roy actually did the "air quotes" around "shot him in the head" just before he confessed he never exactly got what sarcasm was.

The press conference was to announce to the National League that Astros starters will throw 160 complete games this year. "We just can't risk it any longer," said a dejected Jason Jennings. "I mean, I have myself on my fantasy team. How am I supposed to compete when I might be 2-2 through 15 starts? I spent 85% of my fantasy salary cap on me. The Mile High Mastodons have to compete!" Jennings had his win blown in the 8th inning of last night's game by Dan Wheeler.

"I have been watching this for two days now," said Wednesday's starter Woody Williams, "and I'd have to say I am concerned." Williams expressed his dismay after watching Wheeler blow a second win for the Astros by running to his locker to see how many years he signed on as an Astro. "I felt a lot better after I realized i was only in Houston for 2 years. That, and they are paying me $12.5 million dollars!!" Williams did reveal that he sleeps with his contract in his bed and each night Drayton McLane sneaks in and puts his pay check under his pillow. Apparently this is how payroll works for the Astros. Cost cutting for Carlos Lee apparently.

But not every Astros pitcher is upset by the failure of the bullpen. "Well, at first I was nervous being with the big league club. I mean, I am Rick White. Who the hell am I, right?" joked a relieved White. "The problem I am running into is that its only the 2nd game of the year and I am running out of ways to avoid eye contact with Brad Lidge. I've already used the reading a newspaper, faking a cell phone call and ducking into the nearest training room. I just tugs at your heart to look into his puppy dog eyes. He will look at you until you reassure him things are going to be okay or you give him a hug. I think I heard him crying in the shower last night. It makes it hard to focus. I already have enough trouble with people asking me for David Wells' autograph."

So the Astros starters are boycotting the bullpen. Thus far the starters are the only area of the team that are aware the REGULAR SEASON has started. "I didn't want to be the one to tell you this, but I think Chris Sampson is planning on beating up Craig Biggio and locking him in a closet during his starting days," confided White. Apparently Sampson got the idea from watching the movie "Rookie of the Year." "You know the scene where that guy from 'Home Alone' who plays for the Cubs gets stuck between the two doors of the hotel suite? Yeah, like that, but with a cage and Craig Biggio." White abruptly ended the interview when word spread through the clubhouse that Oswalt was pulling people in inner-tubes behind his tractor. It's going to be a long year....