Mike Leach Continues to Say Things....Out Loud

Sometimes when smart people talk, the general public just doesn't understand. Like, for instance, if one were to try to explain to me Quantum Chromodynamics. Well, when Mike Leach tried to analogize referee performance to an IHOP special, he really lost me:

"It's a little like breakfast - you eat ham and eggs," Leach said. "As coaches and players, we're like the ham. You see - the chicken's involved but the pig's committed. We're like the pig, they're like the chicken. They're involved, but everything we have rides on this."

So from what I can tell: Texas Tech=A Pig, Referees= A chicken. It is clear that Coach Leach was either reading Animal Farm or Green Eggs and Ham just prior to this interview.

We all know Mike Leach went to law school, so he isn't "Coach Fran" dumb. But why do I just have the suspicion that, if he were still to be practicing, he would look a little like this....


Judge: Mr. Hutz, are you aware you're not wearing any pants?
Lionel Hutz: Uh, your Honor, can I call for one of those bad trial thingys?
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Lionel Hutz: Yeah ... that's why you're the judge, and I am the law ... talkin' ... guy.

The Big XII Hates a Conspiracy

In Monday's press conference with the media, Texas Tech head coach Mike Leach stood by his innane babbling about the referees disallowing two third quarter touchdowns, because of the Austin lake front property owned by one of the members of the officiating crew. Which, frankly, who can blame him, I hate those people with lake front property.

While he felt like much of his comments were taken out of context, he thought the overall message was in fact, correct. Mainly, the officiating disallowing Texas Tech touchdowns. On Monday, Leach wanted to address the comments that he made, emphasizing that he wasn't talking about officiating.

While Leach didn't go as far as to say he wished there wasn't replay, he did say, "How we do instant replay maybe ought to be looked at, maybe other systems looked at." Obviously Leach is in favor of that new version of replay, the one that doesn't get the calls right, but instead favors the team with the Coach that is a bigger alcoholic.

Leach didn't comment much more on Monday, saying that, "I'd almost need an attorney to figure out whether I'm supposed to answer that or not." It was a good decision, because Leach's law degree from Pepperdine obviously doesn't cut it these days. While the situation has been embarrasing for Leach, it is being used by the Tech players as a rallying cry. Tech linebacker Brian Duncan was particularly touched, saying, ""If we got a coach like that, that's somebody we can go to war for. It feels real good." Duncan qualified his statements that Tech's defense would be going to war next week, and planned to hold Oklahoma under 50 points.

Whether it was a tactic to rally the troops and prevent Brian Duncan from realizing that the real problem is he, and his 10 closet friends can't tackle, or whether Leach truly believes that the referees getting two calls correct was the reason he lost, the Big XII today declared that they don't like conspiracy theorists.

To prevent further conspiracy theorists from following suit, the Big XII handed down their largest fine ever in the history of the league, $10,000. The Big XII said $5,000 was for the commentary on officiating, while $5,000 was for being the stupidest arguement they had ever heard.

While Leach wouldn't comment on whether other conference coaches had contacted him since the game, we're pretty sure that Mark Mangino and Jeff Tedford picked up the phone to empathize about how they too, have been wronged by the Burnt Orange.


Leach's Monday Presser
http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=3107114

Leach's Big XII Fine
http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=3108196

Mike Leach Believes Texas Game Fixed, Moon Landing Staged

Texas Tech head coach, and amateur conspiracy theorist, Mike Leach set out in his post-game press conference to disprove several misconceived notions plaguing the American public. One being that Texas is better than Tech in football. The other being that man has, indeed, never walked on the moon. In his relatively short tenure will the Red Raiders, Leach has already taken it upon himself to debunk several longstanding American conspiracies.

Who can forget his post game press conference after Tech's 2002 victory over Texas A&M when Leach presented his own evidence to prove the existence of a grassy knoll gunman, which he dubbed the "Zebbie Film."

"I mean, once I was was able to isolate the frames from the amateur video I shot, I was able to see Zebbie clearly poised for an attack from the famous knoll," Leach explained. "Honestly, It was the best recruiting video i have had in a while. I mean my offense is predicated on a guy who is pin-point accurate and can hit a receiver crossing the field. I mean Kennedy's motorcade was nothing more than a drag route from our slot receiver."

With such groundbreaking revelations under his belt, Leach confidently turned to the two topics that have been plaguing him for years. He started off his Saturday night presser, turning to the topic of just how Texas was able to beat Texas Tech 59- 43. In response to a question from a reporter, Leach exclaimed,"What do you mean we should have just not given up 59 points on defense and we might have had a shot at winning! It is CLEAR that we would have won, but for the residence of one of the referees on the crew."

When faced with the news that his team had given up 551 yards of offense and 24 fourth quarter points, Leach quickly reverted back to his fall back pirate persona which he seems to use to field all questions dealing with his porous defenses. "Aaaar, Maties! The plank ye shall walk if ye thinks me defense is not as salty as as a lily-livered land lubber after a fortnight on the Caspian Sea!" Mutters of "Oh sweet Lord, here he goes again" could heard from several of the reporters in the room, as they were forced to dawn their eye-patches, since Leach insisted on only fielding questions from those "true to the pirate's creed."

Leach decided to wrap up his press conference with a lecture on how unlikely it was that the USA ever sent a man to walk on the moon. Always fond of charts and Ven-diagrams, Leach presented no less than 45 exhibits proving that Neil Armstrong walking on the moon was nothing more than the abominable snow man wearing a space suit stolen from the aliens at Area 51. " I don't know why you people can't just see that Big foot was able to shoot this film with borrowed equipment from the CIA in a storage room in the White House where Kennedy kept Marylin Monroe? I just don't know how to draw this up any clearer," a frustrated Leach implored. "I mean, if I can establish an offense that consistently puts up 40-50 points a game and still have never had a quality season, you'd think you would just take my word for all of this."

Next week, Texas Tech faces their next challenge as they face the Oklahoma Sooners, while Mike Leach faces his next challenge of proving that the Loch Ness Monster is nothing more than Elvis in a fish suit.