Houston Voted America's Least Offense-ive City

Take off your party hats and hold that last verse of Auld Lang Syne, Houstonians. This is the not the honor you may think it is. Houston has received this dubious award for fielding the worst team offenses in the three combined major sports franchises: Rockets, Astros and Texans. The offenses of the Astros and Texans have been brutal to watch the past few years but, in the true spirit of civic pride, the Rockets have joined this fraternity of futility (the anti-Phi Slamma Jamma) thus far in the 2007 NBA Playoffs.

HOUSTON TEXANS

The saga of the Houston Texans has been well documented (and quite lamented). Right form the start, through the expansion draft, the Texans chose lineman Tony Boselli to be the first player in franchises’ history. I would give you his stats, but Mr. Boselli never played a single game for the Texans due to injury. Sweet. So how did the Texans manage to top this? By drafting David Carr as the first pick in their very first draft. Sigh… At least with Boselli, he didn’t cost you any games. The same cannot be said for Carr. In 2006, the Texans finished 28^th in total offense. But hey, that is actually an improvement from a 30^th place offensive finish in 2005. At least they had a 19^th place finish in 2004 to get them over that 31^st place showing in 2003. If nothing else, the Texans can say they were the penultimate offense in 2003. That at least makes it sound like they were good, right?

HOUSTON ASTROS

Would it be wrong of me to wish for the days when Jeff Bagwell’s jersey was a little less… cough, cough…“baggy?” (Not that I am implying anything). The Astros offense was not that great in 2006. They were ranked 25^th in runs scored, 30^th in batting average and total bases (Penultimate!!!). Not to mention the painful chore of watching Brad Ausmus and Adam Everett ground into double play after inning ending double play all season.

So you may ask: what does giving Carlos Lee $100 million do for your team offense? Answer: 20^th in runs scored and 26^th in team batting average! Hooray! Oh, and I am going to point out that the team directly behind the Astros in team batting average is the Pittsburgh Pirates. Yes, this is the same Pirates team that the Astros are currently 0-6 against this year, and who have made the pitchers Jonah Bayliss, Zach Duke, Paul Maholm, and Ian Snell look like the second comings of Sandy Koufax. In the six games played against the Pirates this year, the Astros have put up 14 runs. And in the last 2 game have left a staggering 31 men on base. Just to put it in perspective, Craig Biggio may be the best batter on this team right now. I am just gonna let you sit back and let that one soak in for a while.

HOUSTON ROCKETS

Not to be outdone by their fellow Houstonians, the Rockets have decided to throw their hats into this prestigious ring (probably going to miss). Thus far, in their opening round playoff series against the Jazz, the Rockets have apparently given up on the idea of “field goal percentage” as an important goal. In Game 1, the Rockets blistered their way to 39% shooting from the floor. They followed that up with an impressive 36% performance in Game 2 (and 16% from 3-pt land). Then the Rockets stood up and proclaimed, “No! Indeed, we can shoot worse!” And they did in Game 3, going 32.8% in the game. Will the Rockets try to go all series without shooting over 40%? I don’t know for sure, but I bet they give it their damnedest.

But fear not Rockets fans, the team did set a few records in the midst of Game 3’s futility. The Rockets had a total of 4 players score on Thursday. FOUR! I could count that high on one hand, even if a freakin’ bear had bitten my thumb off! Team playoff record lows were set for points in a game (67), fewest field goals (21) and fewest points in a half (25). Again, to put this in perspective, Kobe just hit 15 shots in Game 3 of the Lakers/Suns Series.

I leave you with one lasting image that really sums up this whole situation, I give you this photo… Words just cannot describe… My brain hurts.

Astros Starting Pitchers Vow More Complete Games

Astros starting pitchers held an impromptu press conference following tonight's 3-2 loss to the Pirates. The Astros are 0-2 as a result of 2 blown saves to begin the year. "It's the Pirates. The freaking Pirates!," exclaimed opening day pitcher Roy Oswalt, whose win was blown by Mitch Williams 2.0 (aka Brad Lidge). "They have a player named Xavier Nady, for God's sakes," continued a bewildered Oswalt. "I had a mule on my farm like Lidge once. Let's just say, I took him behind the barn and I shot him in the head." Roy actually did the "air quotes" around "shot him in the head" just before he confessed he never exactly got what sarcasm was.

The press conference was to announce to the National League that Astros starters will throw 160 complete games this year. "We just can't risk it any longer," said a dejected Jason Jennings. "I mean, I have myself on my fantasy team. How am I supposed to compete when I might be 2-2 through 15 starts? I spent 85% of my fantasy salary cap on me. The Mile High Mastodons have to compete!" Jennings had his win blown in the 8th inning of last night's game by Dan Wheeler.

"I have been watching this for two days now," said Wednesday's starter Woody Williams, "and I'd have to say I am concerned." Williams expressed his dismay after watching Wheeler blow a second win for the Astros by running to his locker to see how many years he signed on as an Astro. "I felt a lot better after I realized i was only in Houston for 2 years. That, and they are paying me $12.5 million dollars!!" Williams did reveal that he sleeps with his contract in his bed and each night Drayton McLane sneaks in and puts his pay check under his pillow. Apparently this is how payroll works for the Astros. Cost cutting for Carlos Lee apparently.

But not every Astros pitcher is upset by the failure of the bullpen. "Well, at first I was nervous being with the big league club. I mean, I am Rick White. Who the hell am I, right?" joked a relieved White. "The problem I am running into is that its only the 2nd game of the year and I am running out of ways to avoid eye contact with Brad Lidge. I've already used the reading a newspaper, faking a cell phone call and ducking into the nearest training room. I just tugs at your heart to look into his puppy dog eyes. He will look at you until you reassure him things are going to be okay or you give him a hug. I think I heard him crying in the shower last night. It makes it hard to focus. I already have enough trouble with people asking me for David Wells' autograph."

So the Astros starters are boycotting the bullpen. Thus far the starters are the only area of the team that are aware the REGULAR SEASON has started. "I didn't want to be the one to tell you this, but I think Chris Sampson is planning on beating up Craig Biggio and locking him in a closet during his starting days," confided White. Apparently Sampson got the idea from watching the movie "Rookie of the Year." "You know the scene where that guy from 'Home Alone' who plays for the Cubs gets stuck between the two doors of the hotel suite? Yeah, like that, but with a cage and Craig Biggio." White abruptly ended the interview when word spread through the clubhouse that Oswalt was pulling people in inner-tubes behind his tractor. It's going to be a long year....

Pitch by Pitch: My Opening Day

This should be a national holiday and anyone who doesn't think so is a terrorist (or probably knows one). Its baseball time, boys and girls. Peanuts, crackerjacks and HGH (oops, didn't mean to say that Mr. Selig). I have been playing John Fogerty's "Centerfield" constantly today and doing my best not to wear a rally cap to class (which, yes, I did leave early) and start a synchronized clap. I think I am going to open the doors and windows and pretend that I am watching a game outside...

3:34pm- Home just in time to catch the start of the Red Sox/Royals game. Here's proof hope springs eternal for every teams on opening day. All world minor leaguer and expected Royals savior, Alex Gordon is up in the 1st inning with the bases loaded, 1st AB, facing Curt Shilling. You cant beat this. Maybe ever. An also ran team, everyone still feels like they could knock off the Red Sox and start a magical season toward the World Series.

3:36pm- Baseball is a cruel mistress. Gordon K's in his first at bat. Royals fans are immediately reminded that they suck, the Red Sox are good and Alex Gordon will be in a Yankees uniform in a year and a half (if they are lucky). However, the Royals tied it on a walk. 1-1 going to the top of the 2nd.

3:46- I have just been informed 2 disturbing things. 1) Gil Meche is the 6th opening day starter for the Royals in 6 years and 2) Adam Everett will be batting in the 2 hole for the Astros today. One means your team is going to be the model of inconstancy the other means your team is going to suck. Hmm, that seems to fly in the face of my "hope springs eternal" statement. So, on that note: Here's to Adam Everett and his impending opening day home run. (I kinda thought I would believe that if I typed it...oh well)

4:05pm- No matter what happens today, at least the Cubs and Cardinals are big fat losers on their opening days (My inner Astro wrote that). The Cubs only spent about 450 millions dollars this year, and they still can't win. And self proclaimed Cy Young winner Carlos Zambrano was roughed up for 5 runs and a loss. If there's nothing else to know in sports, its that predictions such as this usually end up in a laughably disastrous season. Which means that we are soon going to hear that Zambrano is out for the year with a broken leg after falling on a squirrel after swinging from the roof of his house trying to adjust his satellite dish (These things happen in baseball, I swear).

4:15- Looking over the box scores it seems that A-Rod is already reaping the benefits of his new comfy and cool baseball cap. Major League baseball's decision to produce a more noggin' friendly cap has apparently resulted in Rodriguez going 2-5 with 2 runs, 2 RBI and 1 HR. No word yet on if his car was set on fire in the parking lot after the game...

4:16- George Brett is being interviewed in the booth during the Royals game. He just decked Joe Morgan for accusing him of tarring up his mike.

4:35pm- Shilling is roughed up big time in the bottom of the 4th. 5-1 Royals. Schilling is one of those guys I have a somewhat irrational hate for (Similar to my feelings toward Tim Duncan). I think it was the whole "Bleeding Sock" incident. You'd think that Bostonians were taking Holy Communion from that sock. It got old. REALLY old. And, personally, I think it was staged. Anyway, this guy hates him A LOT more than me...

4:50pm-In what seems to be the Red Sox strategy of signing any pitcher with a remotely Asian sounding name, Hideki Okajima enters the game for Schilling who officially starts the year with a 11+ ERA... Umm, and can someone let me know when and if it will be appropriate to make the first Hideki Iwo Jima joke. 'Cause you always want to be on the cutting edge of jokes, just not on the Michael Richard's side of that edge, if you feel me...

5:10- Ok, 2 more things 1) I don't like Opening Day coinciding with the NCAA national championship game. This displeases me greatly. I suppose I am willing to forgo attending Opening Day for the Astros so I can watch both at home. But it would be nice if sports could work this busy week out. I know we have the NCAA tourney, MLB season starting, the NBA season heating up at the end and the impending Master's Championship, but can't they work out a deal where I can not have to choose which one I am watching. Thats my only complaint with a week like this in sports. And 2) I don't think I am going to blog the Astros game as originally planned. Trying to watch the game, be nervous, blog, yell at Ausmus and Ensberg and watch Florida/the Ohio State will be too much for my tiny brain to process. So the Astros and NCAA game will get a story, not a blog. Stop crying fans.

5:17pm: By the 7th inning, it is obviously clear that the outfield camera at Kauffman Stadium is directly behind the water fountain in the outfield. Seems like something that could have been taken care of in the past 20 years. I can only imagine it's a camera trick to have the Royals fans think they are so terrible because they are forced to play all their home games in driving rain.

5:26pm- Gil Meche leaves the game after 7.1 innings, 1ER and 6 H. Very nice start to the year. What's up with the Royals making a off season deal that actually improved the team? To be fair, there is plenty of time left for them to "Royals" this up.

5:33pm- Our first mention of Ocatvio Dotel this season... It's a good day...

5:45- Do you think Red Sox fans were kinda wishing this were true?

5:57- The Royals are 3 outs away from "not going winless." Not only will they not lose every single game this years, they will be on pace to go 162-0! That's right. Possibly the first perfect season ever? Who's to say. Anything could happen. It's Opening day. (Those last three sentences rhymed. I am seriously considering selling those lines to Smashmouth. They need another baseball hit to keep them afloat).

6:03- Saw the Astros have the roof closed at Minute Maid. Now I am okay I am staying at home with the windows open.

6:05- That'll do it! Royals begun to pave their way to the World Series. Thanks for joining me on the 7-1 KC win. Enjoy the rest of your opening day. Go Astros!