Tuesday, March 11, 2008

YOU MAKE THE CALL!: Pre-Season Baseball Edition

In today's edition of "You Make the Call!" we look at a couple of preseason injuries to Felix Pie of the Chicago Cubs and Kaz Matsui of the Houston Astros. Baseball has had it's share of "interesting injuries; from Sammy Sosa's sneeze to Clint Barmes and his deer meat, but these two latest may rank up there as most painful. It seems Kaz Matsui has come down with a case of the "Anal Fissures" while Felix Pie somehow managed to be sidelined with a "Testicular Torsion" (aka- twisted testicle). Let's now take a "deeper" look into Matsui's anus...

Anal Fissures: "An unnatural crack or tear in the anus skin. As a fissure, these tiny tears may show as bright red rectal bleeding and cause severe periodic pain after defecation.The tear usually extends from the anal opening and located posteriorly in the midline. This location is probably because of the relatively unsupported nature of the anal wall in that location."

Umm... In non-medical speak, I believe the term is "OH MY FUCKING GOD! THAT IS PAINFUL"

Testicular Torsion: "The spermatic chord that provides the blood supply to a testicle is twisted, cutting off the blood supply, often causing orchalgia. Prolonged testicular torsion will result in the death of the testicle and surrounding tissues."

Pretty sure they just mentioned "dead balls."

So whats the call? Wow. How do you even pick which one is worse, when both seem to be about as painful as they come. On one hand, Pie may lose a ball. But who really wants to tell people they have cracks in their ass that make them bleed? When Kaz buys his tampons will he use a cardboard applicator? Will Pie have to explain to baseball groupie why his doesn't look the same as, say, every other Cub the woman has slept with?

If I had to choose, i say Kaz wins. Look, losing a nut is no fun, but in the end you can get a prosthetic ball and no one is the wiser. It all still will work down there. But can you imagine the pain Matusi must feel when he sits down. Not to mention trying to take a dump. He'll have to carry around a dough nut seat in the locker room and on the bench. And who really wants to be the guy that bleeds out his ass? There is no honor in that and you can't even find girls that will get with you cause they feel bad for you.

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